As another beautiful Sunday afternoon draws to a close, I am starting to feel the physical sense of relief spreading throughout my body – I’ve almost made it through my fourth Mothers Day.
I admit there has been a sense sadness leading up to today. As much as I wanted it to be over and done with, I also didn’t want today to arrive – and not just because I was running in the Mothers Day Classic this morning and maybe hadn’t trained as much as I should have!
Every single day I live with my ‘if only’ daydreams. They are the daydreams where I wonder what our lives would have been like if our precious little girl and boy were still with us. For the majority of the past three years whenever my mind has started to wander, I have put the thoughts into a box, and pushed them to a dark, dusty part of my mind as they have been just too hard to live with.
Today it has been different, and I have tentatively let my mind wander. At three years old, I have wondered what their little personalities would have been like? Would they have the same stubbornness as their little brother? Who would they look like? When our baby boy arrived I was shocked by his resemblance to his big brother, now as I watch him grow up I can’t help but wonder if this is how his big brother would have looked like? Allowing myself this indulgence has been hard, but it’s also been healing.
Yes, there have been a couple of teary moments, especially when I’ve had cuddles with my two boys, and yes my grief and pain is still there. What has been different this year, is I’ve been able to smile. I’ve been able to enjoy my boys today and really appreciate just how blessed and lucky we are to have two special boys here with us.
While I haven’t taken the lid off the box completely, it is now ajar. Shortly I will make the short drive to visit our babies, I want to tell them all about our day, I want them to know how much we love and still miss them. I want to sit with them as this day comes to an end.
My thoughts have been with everyone out there who is unable to spend today, and every other day with those they love. My thoughts are also with those who are travelling the long and bumpy road to parenthood xx
“A woman becomes a mother the very moment she opens her heart to the idea of loving and caring for a child and it is in that very moment that her Mother Heart begins to blossom”
Linking up with the lovely Zanni from My Little Sunshine House for Sunshine Sundays. Word Prompt: Mother